July 19th, 2015

I’m laying here in my boyfriend’s room, wiping the tears from my face and clearing the snot from my nose after retreating from a fight with what seemed like just his roommate, but with what ended up being the both of them. Or the rest of the world, for that matter. I’m hiding from everyone and everything, it feels. I feel defeated.

This is one of those difficult entries to compose as I am still deeply upset and haven’t yet reached hindsight. But I know these events are crucial to document for when I’m feeling better and I conveniently forget they happened. But they happened. And they’re important. I am very sad.

Livelihood is a sore subject. I can’t express my desire and intention to have children without hearing about how financially and evidently mentally unstable I am. I’m 27 and I have felt my biological clock for about 5 or 6 years now. While I have grown sounder and wiser in those years, the compulsion has not let up. And yet it serves as just another reminder of where I’m not getting it right.

But I AM okay. It’s incredibly difficult for anyone to be self-sufficient in this day and age. I don’t necessarily depend on my father, as he is in no comfortable position himself, but my living situation and diet would be very different without him. I have everything I could possibly need as far as possessions, but I wouldn’t be able to afford my own transportation, and I’d be living off cheap noodles. I’d have to feed my cats inferior quality food, likely dry, and I’d have to save up for their vet appointments.

Anything else I have or do is frivolous. What’s wrong right now is it’s summer, my hours were completely taken from me, and I’m on-call to an employer that hasn’t shown any loyalty to me. I have only a few general college credits and a registration with the state board of pharmacy for a few months of training. I have found healthcare to my niche but as a technician, the pay is minimal and at least in retail, the hours are unreliable. I have come close to a full-time position in an independent pharmacy, but nowhere has panned out yet.

I could see myself working in an office or hospital, but I’m thinking they want more to my name than a registration. I won’t allow their lack of a reply keep me from sending my resume, anyway. It doesn’t hurt to do so and you never know who the hiring personnel are. It’s all a matter of numbers and timing; from there it’s all a matter of chemistry.

A half an hour into this entry, I feel calmer. I can see myself apologizing to my boyfriend, for sure, and probably his roommate. I realize his intention was not to have me end up feeling the way I did, but I was upset and this is too sore an issue to bring back up. Discussing my livelihood with Nick is my responsibility as half of our partnership. I WILL end up alone if I can’t treat him the way he deserves. I will all the same end up alone if I keep pushing away the people I need the most.

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