If I have nothing else, I have my words

Revisiting my journal entries from late 2015 re: my boyfriend at the time, whom I adored and praised routinely in my writings. I am sobbing like I always do when I think about him. I got no closure. It ended abruptly through a text message, after 3 years.

His friends hated me for no reason I could think of. All of them found something wrong with me and I could never understand, just deal with the rejection alone. I had absolutely no support, and I know now how strong I was and am, still.

But I can’t think about my last relationship I’ve had in 2 years without sobbing every time. It still hurts. I never hurt anyone, I was just myself. And myself was apparently so wrong.

But I still hold, in my solitude, that I am a very special and insurmountably loving person and I never deserved any of that, most importantly involving the person I considered the love of my life. And then abandoned me.

I want a spotless mind. I only want to remember the beginning with him. I don’t want to remember his friends. I wish I never met them. I wish they were never there. And I will never know if that would have made a difference.

Missing the one I considered the light in my life hurts me to my core, two years later. It has been so dim ever since. I have searched for more light but I have found nothing but the source inside of me.

I don’t think I would have made it through all of this adversity if I didn’t write. I write my way through the pain and it consoles me. If I have nothing else, I have my words.

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