Just because I talk faster than I think doesn’t mean I didn’t hear and understand you. By all means, tell me I’m not finished, I don’t want to talk over you. I’m trying. I’m doing better. I want this to last. Have faith. I will do everything in my power not to miss 2 days of medication in front of you. We will move past this. We will work with both our mental illnesses, his OCD, mine BP. I think he believes in me, is just nervous because he left a BPD relationship and how crazy I found myself reacting because he wasn’t coming across as comforting. It’s hard to get comforted when we’re not ourselves.
But I have faith and hope and we will relight that flaming candle again. If I could have avoided anything in the world, I would have never missed those meds and he understands. My distortions are still alive and well but I encourage him to correct me. I’m wrong a lot. I take responsibility. I just don’t want him to give up on me yet. And he seems that he has not. Hope, faith, patience, and understanding and validating their experience, too. Terry is the closest guy I’ve ever found to trying to work with my mood disorder. He just doesn’t want a repeat of his last relationship and I don’t want a repeat of being abandoned.
Unlike everybody else, besides a few relationships in my 20s, he’s still here. It was really important that I comprehended his accountability in the situation because his brain obsesses. BP is hard as fuck. Therefore I’ll work with his brain, too, if he doesn’t think I wasn’t hearing him. I am. I would love to. And I’m earnestly working on my problem of interrupting and not letting him finish his thought. My dad gets aggravated with me, too. If you try, I’ll try. If you’re good to me, I’m gonna be just as good to you. I have (mostly) healed my abandonment issues, but if he will keep growing with me I know I won’t be as triggered. I’ll feel safe. I want to feel safe and give him exactly what I desire, to grow old together.
I don’t want to ever miss my meds around him because that is NOT me, it’s my PTSD. And he does get that, he just doesn’t want another episode like that. And I do have it in my control to prevent. And if he starts obsessing I know I need to reign it in and not push the subject or spin it in a negative way. That’s the depression talking. That’s not who I am.